Thoughtful handsome man looks out the window.
As spring moves along, a six-letter word is at the forefront of many minds. That word is “normal.†And some people can hardly wait to get back to it (aka the way we lived before the pandemic).
Others, like Lombard, Illinois, resident Valerie Antunes Koch, are anxious about returning to normal life too soon. Antunes Koch, a behavior intervention specialist with the School Association for Special Education in DuPage County, was preparing to go back to work in person this week after working remotely this school year.
Though she is fully vaccinated, her husband isn’t. She has eaten in restaurants recently with others who are vaccinated, but she doesn’t go into crowds, and she practices social distancing and continues to wear masks.
“We’re still in a pandemic; not everyone is vaccinated. Not all students can wear masks, are wearing masks, wearing their masks correctly,†Antunes Koch said.
She also expects routines to be disrupted as students return to classrooms, caseloads change and schedules are altered.
“I understand that everyoneÃÛèÖÊÓƵ tired and frustrated, and parents have gone through a lot over this last year, but so have educators,†she said.
Illinois will move to phase 5 of the reopening, ending indoor and outdoor capacity limits, when 50% of residents age 16 and older have been vaccinated, and stable or declining COVID-19 metrics are recorded during a 28-day monitoring period. Until that happens, some people are experiencing FOGO—fear of going out.
Mia Rusev, a case therapist at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital and a licensed clinical social worker, says the reopening is going to be a time of transition and adjustment.
“People got accustomed to smaller crowds, less noise and more intimate settings, and they’ll have to be patient with themselves with reentry. So if you’re going into a crowded place, it might be overwhelming,†she said. “Take it slow, and give yourself permission that you’re adjusting again. ItÃÛèÖÊÓƵ normal to have to take some time.â€
According to Rusev, a certain amount of anxiety is normal, but if that anxiety prevents you from engaging with the outside world despite what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says is safe, then that could be isolating behavior and should be checked out.
Donna Henrici, an Elgin, Illinois, resident, said she went to a Target store for the first time in a year after doing pickup since the pandemic began. A self-proclaimed “hugger†and part of a very social couple, Henrici said she doesn’t feel sad that she can’t be as social as she used to be. The former endoscopy procedure technician said sheÃÛèÖÊÓƵ anxious about just throwing the doors open and doing everything they used to, like going to concerts, movies and the theater.
“A lot of it is just the sheer unknowns that are still out there,†she said. “I’ve eaten out three times in the last year. The idea of being in a crowded restaurant right now is absolutely not on my radar. I don’t feel like I’m ready.â€
Henrici thinks a lot of people are in such a rush to get back to doing normal things, like attending sporting events, that they’re ignoring the surge in COVID-19 cases.
“We’re all so tired,†Antunes Kock said. “When this started, we thought it’d be two weeks, and we’d be done. And itÃÛèÖÊÓƵ not.â€
She said people need to make choices they’re comfortable with but added, “I hope those decisions are thoughtful and responsible and take into consideration the more we interact with each other, the more likely we will have community spread, and the longer this thing will stick and keep going.â€
As Illinois moves to full reopening, Rusev says people should prioritize their relationships and activities and do things on a smaller scale. ItÃÛèÖÊÓƵ more like dipping your toe into the water versus diving right in.
“I think thatÃÛèÖÊÓƵ a smart way to explain it,†she said. “That way you can see how you’re feeling, get more comfortable with the people that you’re close to, that you haven’t been seeing in a while, then go out from there in circles. If you’re unable to join in regular activities because you’re just too scared, too nervous, too anxious about joining in, and can’t get out of the house, you should probably talk to somebody and get some help. You don’t want to avoid your life because of your anxiety.â€
Henrici said she and her husband will get back to normal a little at a time.
“We’re waiting for numbers to get down and stay there,†she said. “Not surge up every time thereÃÛèÖÊÓƵ a holiday or sports startup or whatever the case may be. We’ve made it this long, why would we put everything at risk now?â€
Q: I am directly responsible for three at-risk family members: my husband, a 90-year-old aunt who does not live with us and a nearby cousin.
For the past year I’ve been the outside person who accompanied them to medical appointments, went shopping for them, etc. We’ve all been very careful and fortunately no one has gotten sick.
But now I have family members asking when “I will allow them to visit” all three. The aunt has told me she wants no visitors until everyone is vaccinated. The cousin also wants no visitors yet and my husband agrees. But somehow, I’ve been cast as the gatekeeper.
Any snappy replies? I have said, “It is up to X,” or, “Please ask X,” but no one is listening.
—Gatekeeper
A: “It’s up to X.” Perfect answer.
If they keep not listening, then for their stubbornness they will be rewarded with yours: “It’s up to X”— unsnappily stated and restated, verbatim, for all eternity. Or until they figure it out, whichever comes first.
If that’s unbearable, then add, once, “Please stop asking,” and don’t answer anymore after that.
Yay for you for holding everything together for your high-risk group. I suspect we won’t ever fully grasp the volume of heroics and micro-heroics pushing us through this crisis, but I’m grateful to learn of yours.
Q: My significant other and I are recently engaged (woo hoo!) and starting our wedding plans. Eloping is an option, but we would love an excuse to bring together everyone we love and haven’t seen for so long once this is all over—spring or summer 2022, fingers crossed.
But I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and all the opinions and requests about our wedding from people who are not us is already wearing on me. My future in-laws in particular have a history of seemingly expecting everyone to fall into what they want and not really understanding how others might have different, valid, values and desires.
My fiance is comfortable standing up for himself and us and doesn’t really care what his parents want, though he’d be happier if they were happy. But he and I are pretty go-with-the-flow, so we don’t have a lot of experience drawing those boundaries, and just hearing all their opinions that I take as judgment makes me unhappy and anxious.
Any advice? Is this just a me problem?
—Wedding Stakeholders
A: Decidedly not. Others are responsible for “all of the opinions and requests about our wedding,” which sure look excessive from here.
But as the sole—to borrow your word—”stakeholder” in your own feelings, it’s up to you to find a sustainable way to deal internally with external pressure. Because even if you skip the wedding, the pushy in-law or the boundary-challenged whoever stands ready to have many, many thoughts about whatever you do next. (Have kids? Batten down those hatches.)
The dynamics are neatly contained, actually, in your own phrasing: “hearing all their opinions that I take as judgment.” What they say is on them; how you hear it is on you.
You can certainly advocate for yourself to influence their part, and say you’re overwhelmed with well-meaning suggestions. Honesty is a gift.
But they can also ignore you and keep piling on. That’s why the kindest thing you can do for yourself is work on your ability to retain your own shape under pressure.
The first part is the hard part: accepting that you’re still lovable and worthy even when you do X with full awareness his parents want you to do Y. That you’re still lovable and worthy even when you disappoint people. That you’re still lovable and worthy even when you’re the only one who believes in what you’re doing.
That you’re still lovable and worthy even when it turns out everyone was right all along, and you messed up.
Give yourself grace where before you gave yourself rules to follow, expectations to meet, approval to seek.
Displeasing will likely always stir up some vestigial guilt. OK then. You can see it coming and remind yourself it’s just there and you don’t have to obey it.
You can even co-opt it as your reminder to give others the same grace. They’re flummoxed by boundaries, too, just from the other side. So make it easy for them. “This is what works for us. I hope you can join us, but if not, I understand.” Then don’t discuss it further. Because it’s your wedding/marriage/home/child/life, not theirs. Knowing yourself helps others, too. It shows where you stand.
That brings us to the second part: preparing answers to pushy people so you don’t lose your nerve in the wording.
“We’re all set, but thank you.” Done. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” or, “Interesting,” when a hard “no” just gets them started. “Look at the time! We’ll be in touch.”
Then watch your world not crumble when you stand up for yourself. Some relationships might, yes—but only the ones based on pretending you’re not yourself.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at .
Stress symptoms could be affecting your health, even though you might not realize it.
For instance, you might think illness is to blame for that irritating headache, your frequent insomnia or your decreased productivity at work. But stress might actually be the root cause.
Stress symptoms can affect your body, your thoughts and feelings, and your behavior. Being able to recognize common stress symptoms can help you manage them.
Stress that is left unchecked can contribute to many health problems, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity and diabetes. Read on to learn more about how to deal with every day stressors.
Common effects of stress
On your body: Headache, muscle tension or pain, chest pain, fatigue, change in sex drive, stomach upset, sleep problems.
On your mood: Anxiety, restlessness, lack of motivation or focus, feeling overwhelmed, irritability or anger, sadness or depression.
On your behavior: Overeating or undereating, angry outbursts, drug or alcohol misuse, tobacco use, social withdrawal, exercising less often.
Act to manage stress
If you have stress symptoms, taking steps to manage it can provide many health benefits. Explore stress management strategies, such as:
- Getting regular physical activity.
- Practicing relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga, tai chi or massage.
- Keeping a sense of humor.
- Spending time with family and friends.
- Setting aside time for hobbies, such as reading a book or listening to music.
Seek out active ways to manage your stress. Inactive methods such as watching television, surfing the internet or playing video games might seem relaxing, but they could actually increase your stress over the long term.
And be sure to get plenty of sleep and eat a healthy, balanced diet. Avoid tobacco use, excess caffeine and alcohol and the use of illegal substances.
When to seek help
If you’re not sure if stress is the cause of your issues or if you’ve taken steps to control your stress but symptoms persist, see your doctor. Your health care provider might want to check for other potential causes.
You might also consider seeing a professional counselor, therapist or someone else who can help you identify sources of your stress and learn new coping tools.
Also, get emergency help immediately if you have chest pain, especially if you also have shortness of breath, jaw or back pain, pain radiating into your shoulder and arm, sweating, dizziness, or nausea. These might be warning signs of a heart attack and not simply stress symptoms.
